


last words of a shooting star

by just_nat



Series: i was going to live [2]
Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bathing/Washing, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Panic Attacks, Queerplatonic Relationships, but nastya is yknow. dead, its stated that ivy had a crush on nastya, so i didnt tag it, so much crying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28142451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_nat/pseuds/just_nat
Summary: Nastya bleeds out in seconds in the black box footage, and Ivy can only watch. The others deserve to know. Nastya was their friend too, and it isn't fair to let them think Nastya is still alive.the sequel tohave you seen my ghost! pls read that first since this won't make sense without it.
Relationships: Ivy Alexandria & Marius Von Raum, Ivy Alexandria & Raphaella la Cognizi, Ivy Alexandria & The Mechanisms Ensemble
Series: i was going to live [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2061657
Comments: 7
Kudos: 28





	1. so if you're gonna think twice

**Author's Note:**

> this au would not leave my mind after i wrote the first thing for it so. here we are.

The thing is, Ivy had known Nastya for longer than any of them except for Jonny. Nastya had been the one who had sat with her when she woke up in the doctor's lab scared and confused and not knowing who she was. 

So when Jonny had gathered everybody in the mess hall and told them, with red rimmed eyes and shaking hands that Nastya had left and wasn't coming back, Ivy shuts down

She remembered the way her chest had immediately tightened, her brain already running the odds (less than zero) that Jonny was just pulling some cruel joke on them. But as cruel as the mechanisms could be, none of them would joke about something like this. Especially not Jonny, not about Nastya. 

Nobody took the news well. Ivy was capturing the exact sound of a plate shattering in Brian's hands and predicting 8 different scenarios where Ashes shot Jonny in misplaced anger and grief even as panic stole her breath and kept her rooted to her chair. Worried muttering broke out from where Tim and Marius were sitting as Jonny, still standing in the doorway took a deep pull from his flask and turned to walk away. 

Ashes shot him, just like Ivy had predicted they would. The sound cut through the dull roar in her ears and all the sudden Ivy couldn't stand to be near anyone. She stands up and just. Leaves. Ignores Raphaella calling after her, ignores the sounds of Brian's cooling fans kicking into overdrive as he starts to panic, ignores everything as she walks and then runs to her library. 

She doesn't cry. Even though she can feel tears burning at the back of her eyes, Ivy refuses to cry. Instead, she starts running the numbers on any scenario she can think of where Nastya comes back, any scenario where they find her and bring her home so she isn't floating all alone in the cold. 

The odds aren't high. But they aren't zero, so Ivy forces back her tears and holds onto a little bit of hope. 

(Later, Ivy will cry. Much, much later Ivy will be in a midgardian prison cell and she will watch in horror as Nastya bleeds out on a recording of 80 years ago and doesn't get back up. But right now, Ivy has hope.) 

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

When the others pick her, Marius, and Raphaella up from midgard, Ivy doesn't look at any of them. All of them are still reeling from learning Nastya's fate and knowing that the inspector Marius had taken a liking too was likely dead as well didn't help. So instead of sticking around to watch the Yggdrasil system be consumed by Yog-sothoth, Ivy headed towards her room. 

Still clutching the black box she'd swiped from Inspector Lyf's desk, Ivy pushed past Brian with a muttered excuse about needing to review the footage. 

Guilt swirled like acid in her stomach. She knew she hadn't been the only one who had held on to a small hope of Nastya's return. Brian still took mention of Nastya leaving especially hard, considering his history with space.

Brian and Nastya had been close, Ivy recalls, the guilt-induced nausea climbing higher. Something deeper than just friends, but still entirely platonic. It had been different from the sibling bond Nastya had with Jonny but neither of them had ever seen a need to put a specific label on it. 

Nobody saw Brian for nearly an entire year after Nastya went Out. When he finally left the engine room, there was 2 twin streaks of rust down his cheeks from the tears- 

Unbidden, Ivy's mind brings back an archived memory of Brian's devastated face. She squeezes her eyes shut against the sudden sting of her own tears and runs a command to lock the image behind a firewall. 

The others deserve to know. Nastya was their friend too, and it isn't fair to let them think Nastya is still alive. Ivy has countless books on grief and mourning memorized in her archive, and all the data she runs tells her that it would be better in the long term to tell the others sooner rather than later. 

But... 

But Ivy wants to be selfish. It took nearly a century and the pull of a Story for the mechanisms to begin to heal from the loss of Nastya. Aurora is still grieving, the loss of her love still fresh for her. 

The others deserve to know. And Ivy will tell them, soon. She just needs time. Nastya was Ivy's best friend. Ivy had known Nastya for her entire life that she could remember, and the two girls had grown even closer during the couple decades they were alone while the others played in the City. 

It had been during those decades that Nastya had begun to open up to Ivy about her past on Cyberia, and Ivy had even begun to develop a crush on the engineer. Her crush had only grown in the years the mechanisms had spent on fort galifredian. 

Nastya had almost seemed happy in the scorching heat of the station, relaxed and content to watch with her signature heavy coat left off in favor of rolling the sleeves of her button-down shirt up. (And if the sight of Nastya's arms, strong from centuries of engineer work on the Aurora, made Ivy flush bright red, that was nobody's business but her own.) 

Nastya had seemed happy. Ivy had even thought that maybe, if she could find the courage... 

But she never had. And now Nastya was gone, and Ivy was left. Ivy shoved the palm of her free hand into her eyes as more tears started to fall. Sniffling, Ivy finally reached the door to her room. The door opened automatically, Aurora's doing, which only served to make Ivy feel worse. 

As soon as the door to Ivy's room opened, there was a curious "mrrp?" From the corner followed by the distinctive sounds of an octokitten launching itself through the air. Ivy gave a watery smile despite herself at the sound and held her arms open for it to land. 

"Hey there," Ivy takes a second to check for a nametag. Ignoring the octokittens attempt to gloop affectionately all over her arms, she finds a nametag reading "better archivist: fae/faer." 

"Tim must have named you huh? Well, I'll just have to find an octokitten to promote to better master-at-arms and see how he likes it." Ivy gives the octokitten a small kiss on the nose and lets fae squirm out of her arms and into the vents. 

Scrubbing an arm across her face to wipe away the lingering tears, Ivy sighs. The black box, which she had dropped in order to catch Better Archivist, sat at her feet. Letting out a shout, Ivy kicks the thing as hard as she can. It flies across the room and hits the opposite wall with a crack before dropping to the ground again. 

There isn't even a scratch when Ivy marches over to inspect it. It's not surprising, black boxes are built to be indestructible to begin with and this one has survived being on a train of cosmic horror for 80 years.

Rationally Ivy knows that throwing the black box around isn't going to help her feel better, but the sptherpay workbooks she has memorized all talk about anger being the first stage of grief and Ivy is angry. 

She just... doesn't know who she's most angry with. 

Nastya? For leaving to begin with? For vanishing in the middle of the night without an explanation or even a goodbye? 

Or herself? For not noticing anything was wrong? For assuming Nastya would always be there, and never thinking to ask if she was okay? 

"Ivy?" Comes a voice from the doorway, and Ivy spins around. 

Marius is standing just outside the door with a concerned frown replacing his normal exuberant grin. 

Suddenly very aware of the fact she hadn't changed out of the blood stained clothes she'd been wearing when they left midgard, Ivy tries and fails to muster up a smile for Marius. 

"I thought I'd come check on you. I know, after everything with Nastya-" Marius's voice falters. Breaks. 

The small amount of composure Ivy had managed to pull together shatter at the same moment as Marius's voice, and she drops to the ground, face crumpling into renewed sobs. 

Dimly she hears Marius's footsteps coming towards her, and feels the familiar weight of his mechanical arm circle around her shoulders to pull her into a hug. Ivy lets herself fall into his chest, his jacket muffling her sobs. 

"We're going to have to tell them," Ivy whispers, "I'm going to have to tell them, all of them, that Nastya is- that she-" 

Marius's arms tighten around her. "You don't have to do it alone," he says, but Ivy shakes her head. 

"I keep seeing her. Laying on the floor of that train, with her blood everywhere and she never got up." Ivy's shaking and her voice is starting to go hoarse from how much crying she's done but she has to make Marius understand. 

"The whole time, watching the recording I kept thinking that she was going to get up. Any second her mechanism would kick in and she would get up and somehow," Marius is crying now too and Ivy can feel his tears starting to soak into her hair but she has to keep going, "somehow Nastya would know I was watching and leave a message. Telling us she was okay and wanted to come home. But she just kept bleeding." 

Marius just holds her tighter, one hand coming up to stroke through her hair. "There's nothing we could have done love. You said so yourself." 

"I should have known!" Ivy's voice had been growing steadily louder, to the point of nearly screaming. "All that time I spent memorizing records of the rebellion, before we decided to stick around in jail! I should have been able to recognize Nastya before I watched her die on a recording from 80 years ago!" 

For a moment, deafening silence rings out. Then Marius pulls away from Ivy so he can cup her face in his hands. His eyes are red and puffy from the tears still running down his cheeks, and Ivy knows she must look similar if not worse. 

"Listen to me," Marius says, "Nastya wouldn't blame you." Ivy opens her mouth to protest but Marius keeps talking. "No. If Nastya was here right now, she would not blame you for not realizing. Run the chances Ivy. You know she wouldn't." 

Reluctantly, Ivy sends a command and her brain gives her the numbers.

Would Nastya blame me? Ivy asks, and her brain says less than 5% chance- 1 in 1000000 - 0.05% of the time previously- 

"She wouldn't." Ivy says with disbelief coloring her tone. 

A small smile creeps over Marius's face. "See? Your numbers don't lie to you." 

Ivy lets out a bit of a laugh, too overcome with relief to say anything more. 

Marius presses a kiss to Ivy's forehead before climbing to his feet. 

"Why don't we get some sleep." Marius says softly "Here. I'll help you get some of that blood off." 

Ivy just nods, silently letting Marius pull her up off the floor and lead her into the bathroom. She sits on the edge of the closed toilet lid where Marius directs her and closes her eyes, letting the exhaustion seep in. 

Marius talks as he works, white noise that Ivy lets herself tune out in favor of leaning her head back to rest against the wall of Aurora. The familiar rumble of the engines fills her mind, a full body sensation Ivy can safely lose herself in knowing Marius is there to catch her. 

She faintly feels Marius running a warm washcloth over her face, carefully scrubbing away the dried blood and tear tracks from her cheeks. Marius starts to hum at some point, a slowed down melody of blood & whiskey, and Ivy hums in tune with him almost unconsciously. 

The humming stops after a little while and Marius taps her knee with his metal hand to get her attention. 

"Hey. Do you want to sleep now or get changed first?" 

"Mm. Change first, then sleep." Ivy decides. 

"I'll wait here then." Marius says, ever the gentleman. 

Ivy smiles fondly at him as she passes, and stands on her tiptoes briefly to ruffle his hair. She's only 3 or 4 inches shorter than him, but it's just enough that she can't reach normally. 

Quickly changing into pajama pants and a shirt so big on her that it must have been Tim's at some point, Ivy raps on the door to let Marius know she's done changing and sets about arranging cushions for maximum comfort.

Marius emerges from the bathroom somehow also wearing pajamas. Ivy raises an eyebrow at him and Marius just shrugs. 

"Aurora dropped them on me from a vent. I didn't even think there were vents in the bathrooms." 

"Aurora has vents wherever she wants to have vents. Besides, you're lucky no hungry octokittens fell on you." Ivy teases. 

"Oh, sure," Marius mock complains, "It's funny when they're after my flesh, but wait until the fuzzy abominations turn on you!" 

He punctuates his point by dramatically throwing himself onto the bed beside Ivy, making grabby hands at her from his new position. Deliberately ignoring Marius, Ivy turns to rearrange her pillows from where they got thrown from Marius falling on them. 

"Ivyyyyy," Marius whines, "don't make me get my little claw out." 

Ivy considers this for a second. There's a greater than 76% chance Marius isn't bluffing and has his little claw hand. If he does have it, he won't hesitate in trying to pinch her and then she'll have to suffocate him with a pillow. 

Normally Ivy would have no qualms about suffocating Marius but she just stole a bunch of new pillows from spIKEA and she doesn't really feel like using them for violence yet. 

Besides. She's watched enough of her family die recently. 

Instead of saying anything, Ivy just shakes her head fondly at Marius before letting him grab her arm and pull her down next to him. 

Marius immediately wraps one arm around her waist and tugs her in close to him, effectively claiming the big spoon role for the night. On a different night, Ivy might have put up at least a token argument about being the little spoon. But after everything with Yggdrasil and the black box, she's more than willing to accept just being held for the night. 

It's peaceful, in a way things so rarely are for the mechanisms. But Ivy can't quite settle. As if sensing her unease, Marius props himself up on an elbow behind her. 

"What's wrong?" 

Ivy rolls over to face him with a sigh."It's just... I still have to tell the others. About Nastya." 

"I know. And we will-" 

"We?" 

"We," Marius repeats, "can tell them tomorrow. I'm not leaving you alone Ivy, even if I just sit with you while you explain." A flash of something crosses over Marius's face too quickly for Ivy to put a name to it, and he lays back down. "Besides. Nastya was my friend too." 

Shit. "Marius.." 

"Tomorrow. It can all wait until tomorrow, okay?" 

"Okay." Ivy whispers, guilt churning in her stomach. 

Marius holds his arm out in invitation again, and Ivy snuggles back into his hold. The guilt and the hard conversations can wait until tomorrow. Right now, Ivy is safe cuddling with Marius, and both of them can rest.


	2. what's left of me now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Raphaella joins the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you may have noticed the updated chapter count. this is because I have terminal brainrot and keep adding scenes to this fic. somebody stop me

When the next day comes, Ivy doesn't want to get up. Everything is brand new again but that includes everything she had slept to get away from. Instead of confronting this problem, Ivy decides to cuddle further into Marius's warmth. 

Marius, who must have woken up before her, lets out a surprised "OOMF" when she suddenly turns and flops most of her weight on top of him. 

"Good morning Ivy!" Marius wheezes out. 

Rather than answer, Ivy just lays still for another few minutes. 

Marius's face twists with guilt and he says, "Ivy look, about what I said last night. I meant it. You don't have to do this alone okay? We'll grab Raphaella and then we can call a crew meeting."

Ivy screws her face up from where it's pushed into Marius's stomach. She'll feel better in the long run if she doesn't do this alone but.... 

"I need to be the one who explains." Ivy says firmly, lifting her head up. "You and Raphaella can both be with me, but I owe it to Nastya to be the one who explains." 

There's a long beat of silence. Then: 

"If you're sure." Marius says. He doesn't ask her to explain, which Ivy is grateful for because she isn't sure she can. Something about how she had been the one to watch Nastya die, about how for a brief few moments she was the only person in the universe alive who knew what happened to her. 

Even if Nastya wouldn't blame her, Ivy owes it to her to tell the rest of their family her fate. 

With that settled, Ivy quickly hops out of bed and heads over to her closet. Marius still has some clothes left over from their last cuddle session, so she digs those out and tosses them in his general direction before pulling out a random assortment of her own clothes. 

"Okay. Raphaella's lab first, and then we find the others." Ivy says determinedly. 

She turns around to face Marius, who's chewing nervously on his lip with a worried expression. 

"You alright?" Ivy asks. 

"I'm just worried about Raph is all. She was really torn up over everything, and she's been alone the whole time." Marius quickly responds. 

That wasn't good. None of them had healthy coping mechanisms as it was, and Raphaella could be particularly destructive when left to her own devices. 

A sudden wave of panic rolled over Ivy at the thought. Under normal circumstances it wasn't a big deal. After all, Raphaella's mechanism could heal any damage she accidentally did to herself during her experiments. 

But Nastya's death was still all Ivy could see when she closed her eyes. Quicksilver blood, and Nastya not getting up. 

Without saying anything to Marius, Ivy turns and starts to run. She hears him let out a surprised shout from behind her but all she can think is _ not again not again not Raphaella not her please no  _

It isn't far to Raphaella's lab, especially not with Aurora bending the halls around her so she can get there faster but panic distorts her thoughts, changes the numbers into things that don't make sense and statistics she can't read. 

At some point though, Ivy reaches the familiar doors to Raphaella's lab and skids to a halt. Before she can even raise a hand to knock Aurora slides the doors open and Ivy desperately stumbles inside. 

The normally orderly code that runs Ivy's brain is all jumbled out of order and it's starting to build into a blinding headache but it doesn't matter none of it matters because she can't see Raphaella. 

"RAPH??" Ivy calls, uncaring of how panicked her voice sounds.

Looking around wildly from her spot just inside the doorway, Ivy finally spots Raphaella. She's bent over something on one of the far table's in the lab, focused enough that she didn't hear Ivy calling for her. 

The sudden rush of relief is nearly enough to make Ivy fall to her knees but she uses the last remaining dregs of adrenaline to push herself over to where Raphaella is sitting and wrap her arms around the winged scientist in a hug. 

Raphaella startles when Ivy hugs her, and Ivy feels a little bad about startling her but it's largely overshadowed by the feelings of relief at seeing Raphaella alive and, to an extent, healthy. 

There are large, dark circles under Raphaella's eyes from where she hasn't slept, and if the way her hands shake when she goes to hug Ivy in return are any indication, she hasn't eaten either. 

"Hey Ivy," Raphaella says, obviously confused, "not that I'm not happy to get hugs from you but what's going on?" 

Ivy just presses her suddenly-shaking self tighter against Raphaella. The code and the numbers of her brain are still all mixed up and she's starting to get error messages behind her eyes. 

She tries to respond to Raph but her heart isn't slowing down and when she opens her mouth nothing comes out but a desperate gasp for air. 

"Ivy?? Hey breathe okay, try and match my breathing c'mon." Raphaella's clearly worried but trying to hide it to help Ivy as she starts exaggerating her breaths, encouraging Ivy to try and match her own breaths. 

Ivy tries, she really does, but it isn't working and she looks up to meet Raphaella's scared eyes. 

ERROR_REBOOT_REQUIRED 

RESTART IN 5 

4 

3 

2 

1 

and her vision abruptly blacks out as her overloaded system crashes.

  
  


When Ivy wakes up again, it's abrupt. Her systems are offline, then suddenly they aren't and she's sitting bolt upright on the floor of Raphaella's lab. 

To her left, Marius and Raphaella are having a low conversation. 

"- Wants to have a crew meeting, to tell the others about the black box." 

"Is she sure? We could always-" Raphaella cuts herself off when she notices Ivy is awake. "Ivy!" 

Ivy lifts her hand in a weak wave. "Hi." 

Raphaella flings herself off the stool she had been perching on and wraps herself around Ivy in a hug, wings coming up to encircle both of them. 

"You scared the shit out of me Ivy! You ran in here all panicked not telling me what was going on and then you just  _ passed out _ and then Marius came in and also started freaking out-" 

"Ivy was passed out on the floor and you looked like you were crying! I feel like that's a good reason to freak out!" Marius protests.

Raphaella groans. "I was not crying, okay, I was just really worried about Ivy." 

Ivy, for her part, is mostly just soaking in Raphaella's hug. If she doesn't speak up though, Marius and Raphaella will keep bickering back and forth all day so Ivy clears her throat to catch their attention. 

"I... I'm sorry I worried you Raph." Ivy scratches awkwardly at the shaved part of her hair, suddenly self conscious. "My brain needs to force restart sometimes if I get too overwhelmed. It doesn't usually happen, which is why I've never brought it up before now." 

Raphaella sits back on her heels and shares a troubled glance with Marius. 

"Alright," she says slowly, "but Ivy, what made you so freaked out to begin with? You never explained." 

"I mentioned wanting to check up Raph and you went really pale and started running," Marius chimes in from where he's still sitting on one of the lab stools, "and by the time I caught up you were passed out on the floor. Did something happen?" 

Ivy draws her knees up to her chest and loosely wraps an arm around herself.

"It's just... you can be so reckless with your experiments sometimes Raph!" Ivy says in a burst of frustration, "and your mechanism heals you but I wish you'd be more careful with yourself, that's all!" 

She pauses to draw a breath and hot tears begin to burn at the back of her eyes again. Ivy grits her teeth and forces them back. It feels like crying is the only thing she's  _ done  _ lately and she's more than sick of it. 

"I'm not asking you to stop doing dangerous things, I'm only asking for you to be a bit careful, alright?" Ivy asks, her tone beginning to take on a frayed edge. 

Raphaella shares another look with Marius and Ivy can feel her already worn-thin nerves stretch to the breaking point. 

"...Is this about what happened to Nastya?" Raphaella asks cautiously. 

Ivy's patience  _ snaps.  _

_ "Yes this is about what happened to Nastya!"  _ Ivy screams.

"Whatever Odin did to her, whatever eldritch beings whispered in her ears, she was able to make Nastya's mechanism just. stop. working. Her blood was powering and protecting that entire train and when Sigyn disconnected her-" 

Ivy knows it isn't fair to yell at Raphaella the way she is, but she is so, so angry and now that the floodgates are open she can't stop herself. 

"When Sigyn disconnected her the train went off the tracks. And I watched as my best friend,"  _ the person I was in love with _ she doesn't say, and wishes she didn't have to use past tense, "bled to death in seconds and never got back up." 

"Ivy-" Marius starts but Ivy continues to talk right over him. 

"I will never forget that, do you understand? The memory of watching Nastya bleed to death on the floor of a mad woman's train will never dull over the millenia for me! A copy of the black box footage is stored in my brain's archive. It is the last new memory of Nastya I will ever have so I can't delete it."

"It's the last memory I have of her." Ivy repeats, and suddenly she's crying again. "The last memory, and it's her bleeding out on a  _ fucking  _ eldritch train." 

Heartwrenching sobs tear their way out of Ivy's throat and she ducks her head away from Raphaella's pitying eyes, suddenly ashamed of the way she had lashed out against her. 

Slowly, gently, Marius slides off the stool and makes his way to where Ivy sits curled up around herself. 

He doesn't say anything, just sits next to her and puts an arm around her shoulders. Ivy doesn't react, not even when Raphaella's wings encircle around all 2 of them.

It wasn't  _ fair _ . 

It wasn't fair that Nastya had left without saying goodbye. It wasn't fair that Odin had used Nastya's blood as a way to protect and power the train. It wasn't fair that Ivy had to watch Nastya bleed out and be 80 years too late to help. And it wasn't fair that the pain of Nastya's death was fresh to Ivy every single day. 

The universe didn't care about fair. But Ivy wished that it had, just this once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "but Ivy had a panic attack and got comforted LAST chapter" and what about it. im projecting mind your business. anyways jonny being sad snuck his way into this fic so look forward to that next chapter

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly already written, so the other parts should be going up over the the next few days.


End file.
